MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
Okay, listen, full disclosure, I am 100% in the crosshairs of this target audience. I'm a neurodivergent kid of the 80s who's now in my 40s and still buys toys and shit. I'm the guy this movie was made for... yet, that's been the case for a lot of these movies. I get that a lot. To be fair, much of the content that gets released in this 80s nostalgia space is marketed specifically to me.
So I've been disappointed a lot. Many of the superhero and Star Wars movies have been great, and I have nothing against those movies, but it's not the same thing as Masters of the Universe. Marvel and DC are still a thing, and continue to be a thing. Masters of the Universe, however, basically had a few years and then it went away. Sure, there have been a few attempts to bring it back, and there was the 80s movie with Dolph, but, for me anyway, nothing has really made me feel anything particularly positive about it since it ended the first time.
And that was okay! It was something from my childhood and sometimes stuff runs its course. That said, I missed it. I liked that show and those toys. I liked the world it occupied.
This movie has been in various stages of pre-production for years and years. Once it finally got made, I saw the trailer and I didn't really understand what they were doing. It sounded good, on paper, but part of me wanted it to be a more grounded, less silly movie. Something more Conan the Barbarian like. But that was based on my very limited interest in Masters of the Universe at this point in my life.
Well, this movie isn't that. It's not gritty or grounded. You could tell that just from the trailer. I had pretty much decided I wasn't even going to see it. The fact that Jared Leto was playing Skeletor a massive red flag, and again, it didn't look like the He-Man movie I wanted. Or thought I wanted.
But, some people I respect told me "Don't sleep on this one. It's good actually" and so I said what they heck, and I went by myself to see it yesterday afternoon.
Folks, I left that theater and I said to myself "those crazy son of a bitches really went and did it. They really did it." and then I sat in my car and marveled at what I'd just experienced.
There are so many things I loved about this movie, all of which I'm going to list right now!
FIRST: Nostalgia.
It's like banging your toys together. I fuckin' regressed watching this thing. It was like therapy or something. The way these characters are rendered in this movie makes them look like the toys. Not just in the details, but in the way the stand and their posture, and their expressions. They really did a lot to make these people look like the Masters of the Universe toys, while looking functional and realistic in the context of their world.
There's something about it that feels like I'm sharing a memory with a stranger. Or a feeling that I thought was just mine. Recognizing it in someone else is a weird experience. It's a very nice experience, actually.
SECOND: it's gay.
Seriously. It's gloriously gay.
Okay, of course you know the 4 Non Blondes song What's Up, and the video that mashes that song up with Masters of the Universe?
Well, I'm here to tell you the good news, which is that watching this movie feels kind of like watching this video, if it had a huge budget and Idris Elba and had the happiness dialed up to the max.
Okay, so let put it this way. Brian May plays guitar and helped produce the score to this movie. And it shows. It feels like watching Flash Gordon, with the Queen soundtrack. It's a man in a loincloth, swingin' a sword around. It's that kind of a movie. The kind of camp that lasts, especially in certain cultures.
So yes, while the story isn't explicitly about LGBTQ people, it's the kind of movie that people in the LGBTQ community embrace, because it's unabashedly, unapologetically itself, while also being pretty gay. There's a couple dudes named Fisto and RamMan. It's not being subtle.
THIRD: The Score
The score of this movie friggin slaps. It's by a guy named Daniel Pemberton, who I wasn't familiar with by name but all through the movie I was asking myself "who the hell did this amazing score?!" because it's incredible. Listen.
That's Brian May on guitar, and I think listening to this should give you a really solid head start on understanding what this movie is about. It's JOYOUS.
FOURTH: Idis Elba
If you don't think Idris Elba as Man-at-Arms is the coolest shit ever, then I don't really know what else to say to you.
FIFTH: It moves.
One thing I really appreciated was that it never felt like I was ready for the movie to be over. As soon as the movie got rolling, it just doesn't stop until it's over, and even then, you gotta sit through the credits to see the extra stuff.
SIXTH: The cast.
Aside from Idris Elba and Morena Baccarin as The Sorceress, Alison Brie plays my person favorite Masters of the Universe character, Evil-Lyn. AND BOY DOES SHE! She made Evil-Lyn just as creepy and horny and weird as she's supposed to be. I couldn't see it, when I saw the first trailer. I was honestly really confused about Alison Brie being in the movie at all, but having seen it now, and seeing her in the context of the tone of this movie, it totally makes sense. She's basically doing her Trudy Campbell voice, which is hilarious to me, and I loved it. The rest of the cast, I didn't really recognize, but that was fine. This movie has a really good balance of seasoned pros and newcomers and an awesome supporting cast.
ONE WARNING: Jared Leto (eew)
I hate this. I hate that I'm going to say this. Because it clashes with so much of what I believe, but Jared Leto is good as Skeletor. If I didn't know it was him, I'd have said he was fucking hilarious. I thought I would miss Skeletor's cartoon voice, but the voice Leto does is very entertaining.
That said, he's still at BEST a horrible person, and possibly also a sex monster, so I really hope this doesn't inspire people to continue putting him in movies, because it's the one caveat to this otherwise goddamned flawless movie. So I don't blame or judge anyone who doesn't watch this movie for that reason, because I get it, but if you can be okay with him being there, it's really, really fun. If it helps, you never see his face. Just this cartoon skull.
IN CLOSING!
I hear this movie isn't doing well, and that really bums me out, because I would absolutely love more of this. I want to see ten more of these movies.
So if you like stuff that's awesome and really entertaining and will make you fall in love with movies again, then please, go see Masters of the Universe. It's so much fun.
GUT FEELING
My book Gut Feeling will be coming out some time in the next few months. I don't have a firm date, but I should know better this week.
I doing a final pass on it today, and I wanted to share a page or so that I really like. It's my two main characters, Winnie and Deborah, taking a shower together after a really intense night.
I just think it's really a good example of the kind of story this is, and the kind of character Winnie is. So here it is. It's safe for work. Nothing sexual going on, just bathing.
“Hey, can I ask you something?” I said as she rinsed shampoo out of my hair.
“Sure thing,” she said. I turned and looked at her.
“This is going to sound weird, but I need you to be really honest,” I said.
“Okay…” she said, her face showing a hint of concern.
“Who’s your favorite Beatle?” I asked. I hoped that she understood that I was absolutely serious. She blinked and gave her head a little shake.
“What? My favorite Beatle? Like the band?”
I nodded. She looked down for a second, seemingly thinking about her answer.
“John, I guess,” she said. I started to nod, but then she continued. “No, wait. George. Final answer. George.”
I smiled. That was a better answer. My brain will make a determination about a person’s personality based on their answer to that question. John was an artist and a genius, but he was also sometimes a bastard who treated people poorly. He was cynical and arrogant.
“Why George?” I asked as Deborah turned off the water. She scrunched up her brow as she considered her response.
“He was quiet and reserved, but every album he tossed out one or two total bangers. I respect it.”
“I like that,” I said. Deborah and I stepped out of the shower and she wrapped me in a sheet towel.
“Who’s your favorite?” she asked as she dried her hair. I didn’t have to think about it at all.
“Paul. Easy. He had the stronger solo career; his songs are better-crafted, and his lyrics make sense. Ringo is good too, because he’s dependable and a phenomenal drummer. But Paul wrote some of the most beautiful songs of the last century.”
“I can tell you’ve thought about this a lot,” she said, smiling. I realized I was blabbing again and felt myself getting self-conscious.
“I guess. I just think you can tell a lot about someone based on who they pick,” I said. She nodded and wrapped her hair in a towel.
“So, that being said. If I had said John, would you have thought less of me?” Deborah asked, with just a hint of sadness in her eyes. I could tell how important it would be for me to answer this right.
“No, I would have thought more of John,” I said. It was true. I wouldn’t have thought less of Deborah, I would have worked to reframe my opinion of John. That was more pliable than my feelings for Deborah.
Anyway, that's it. That's all I got. Sorry if you wanted more, but I'm tired, boss.