Avatar: Fire and Ash apparently

Sigh.

Okay, so here's the thing. I don't wanna just come in and start shitting all over this movie, because it's like... what's the point of that? It's not for me. I don't get it. I watched the first one, and I said, "It's not for me. I don't get it," and then I didn't watch the second one, because it appeared to continue to be not for me and something I wouldn't get. BUT I have heard a lot of people say that Avatar: Fire and Ash is GOOD actually.

Okay. If you say so. Sure. Enjoy it. I hope that you feel inspired and awed by the spectacle of this kinda racist movie about vaguely indigenous people fighting colonizers with the help of their white savior. That's what the first one was, and that's what this one is. Like, if that's your thing, then please, enjoy. Seriously. I don't begrudge this movie existing or anyone enjoying it. I have issues with it, certainly, but I can appreciate that it's a matter of taste. I like a lot of things people think are silly. I like movies about a guy who dresses up like a bat and beats up people because he's mad his parents were killed. I'm in no position to judge anyone's taste. I don't want to. I don't really care. Have fun.

Buuuuuuut, I didn't have fun. I was profoundly bored through the whole thing. My butt hurt from sitting for three and a half hours (four if you count the trailers and commercials) and my brain was exhausted from trying to find my way into that movie the whole time. I could never get there.

I'm gonna point out a few things, okay? Like, I'm not taking shots at the movie, I'm just... just saying, okay? The hair-dicks are weird. Watching them docking their hair-dicks together with animals' hair-dicks and each other's hair-dicks. It was weird in the first movie, and it's still weird.

I wish I cared about this stuff as much as James Cameron does. Actually, that's not true. I'm actually doing just fine without it. I have no real pressing desire to be included in that group. Never mind what I just said.

I was recently informed that the top movie on Amazon Prime right now is the Ron Howard/Jim Carrey Grinch movie, so, like... obviously I'm not always going to feel at home with what everyone's into. Sometimes I look at what people are excited about and just... not understand it at all.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna list things I liked about it.

So obviously, the visuals are incredible. There's no denying that. The landscapes are gorgeous and would really make a pretty desktop wallpaper. Floating rocks and flying monsters and nearly naked Smurfs jumping around. It's all very attractive, and I respect the creative juice it must have taken to come up with all that stuff.

The villain that wasn't Stephen Lang, who I've never really had much use for, was pretty dope. Apparently, she was played by Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter, Oona Chaplin, and she was super cool. Very menacing, appropriately vampy, and compelling.

The facial motion capture, or whatever they call it, is bananas. The shit with the dots on the face. You know what I mean? The effects they're working with really do seem pretty much there. CGI can carry a whole movie with very few real actors actually appearing now. Zoe Saldaña is fantastic and emotes so much through her animated character that you can really see her in it. Same with Sam Worthington and Sigourney Weaver. It's weird seeing a cartoon that also looks like a real person, but also looks like Ripley from Alien if she were a teenage blue person with a hair-dick.

Oh, there a guy named SPIDER who was apparently uh, I guess a human who lives with the Smurfs like Mowgli from The Jungle Book, running around in a loin cloth. So, two things. First of all, his name is SPIDER. I guess his parents named him that? They looked at their baby with his little white guy dreads and said, "That's our precious little Spider."

Anyway, I thought it was Evan Peters when I was watching it, and I was glad to find out that it wasn't, because I've had just about enough of that guy. Jeffrey Dahmer, my ass. Get outta here, kid. Anyway, I don't know who this guy actually is, but he wasn't Evan Peters hopping through the trees in a loincloth, so that's a positive, even if he did seem late for a Phish show.

Okay, I know I said that I wasn't going to talk anymore shit about it, but I do have to say, what the hell was Edi Falco doing in this movie? Wearing fatigues, giving orders in her Carmela Soprano voice. I was like, you don't belong here. What are you doing? Go back to the TV.

Oh man, I wish I'd watched Sopranos today instead.

Anyway, so that's Avatar: Fire and Ash from my vantage point. I didn't waste my time, but I didn't really get a lot out of it either.

TWO AND A HALF STARS

PS: Are we still giving James Cameron a pass for that whole "I found the tomb of Jesus!" bullshit? Because that was ridiculous and embarrassing.

PPS: They showed a six-minute clip from The Odyssey, and boy oh boy does that shit look friggin cool. It's got Jon Bernthal in it, and that's enough for me. He's also friggin cool. That was the best part of the movie, actually. That was worth the price of admission.

Also, we got the Avengers: Doomsday teaser, and that was kinda weak, honestly.