Like, seriously.

I am like, borderline going to cry I want to see this movie so bad.

I’m not even thinking of this as a Batman movie anymore. It’s 100% a Joker movie.

I’m incredibly conflicted on this one.

Wanted is loosely based on a comic book that I’ve never read. It’s about a boring office drone who finds out that he’s the son of some kind of crazy assassin dude and that he has the ability to slow down his perception of time and, there for, do all kinds of Matrix-esque gun play. He’s approached by a society of secret crazy assassin dudes (and one chick) called The Fraternity, who train him to be a crazy assassin dude and to hunt down and kill the worlds craziest assassin dude, who is also the dude who killed his father.

That’s the basic idea. The boring office dude turned crazy assassin dude is played by some guy named James McAvoy who I’ve never heard of or seen. The leader of The Fraternity is Morgan Freeman and the chick is Angelina Jolie.

The movie was directed by (hello Wikipedia) Timur Bekmambetov, a Russian director who is best known (outside of Russia at least) for directed Night Watch and the sequel Day Watch. It was written by two dudes Michael Brandt and Derek Haas who previously wrote Catch that Kid, 3:10 to Yuma (the remake naturally) and 2 Fast 2 Furious.

That’s pretty much all you need to know before I start.

It’s been a long time since I’ve both hated and loved a movie as much as this one. On one side, it was full of amazingly crafted visual effects and action sequences. There were some truly rad elements to this movie. Morgan Freeman was a pimp, as usual. Angelina Jolie was badass. All of the crazy bullet following effects were wicked cool. The violence was fantastic. And it rekindled my love for the Dodge Viper, as well as further solidifying my hard on for all things Corvette.

In a just a couple of ways, Wanted partially succeeds where Shoot em Up failed. While Shoot em Up tried to be an over the top, tongue in cheek violence fest, it ended up coming across more like a cracked out Looney Toons knock off. The violence in Shoot em Up was just so damned cartoony and silly that it stopped being fun and just felt like a waste of time. In order for action oriented violence to work, you need to be able to feel it, and Shoot Em Up just never achieved that. It was just watching cartoon characters hurt each other. There was no feeling of consequence to it. Wanted, on the other hand, is so damned angry that it’s more like watching a pissed off fifteen year old geek playing Grand Theft Auto. The violence feels violent again, almost to the point of making you  (or, me at least) a little uncomfortable watching it. There’s so much anger in it that you get the sense that the person creating the violence is imagining that it’s being inflicted on his teachers and peers. It went a little too far in the opposite direction.

Not that the on screen violence itself was particularly disturbing. There’s not a whole lot in here that you haven’t already seen in any number of movies that have come out since The Matrix, which seems to be the movie that stuck a flag in the computer generated violence ground.

It’s not the violence that’s disturbing but the attitude behind it. Like the fifteen year old kid using Grand Theft Auto as an outlet for his urges to shoot up his school, this movie felt like a angry masturbation fantasy. And not a particularly good fantasy. Certainly not a very sexy one.

If I had to break this movie down into a recipe, it would go like this:

Take the attitude of Fight Club and then remove any intelligence or creativity. Then ask Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold to rewrite the script. But before they do, insist that they not actually read Chuck Palahniuk’s book, but instead watch Harry Potter, Star Wars and The Matrix and use that for the story. And listen to a lot of Nine Inch Nails as well. THEN, once that script is finished, filter it through an Avril Lavigne CD. Then, when the script is done, give it to the guy who directed Night Watch, but don’t let him learn English before directing the movie. That way he doesn’t have to worry about how incredibly stupid the dialog is and how the story makes no fucking sense.

It’s weird to have such extremes in either direction.

The visual directing was badass. I have no beef with whathisface the Russian Night Watch guy. He made the violence hard hitting and the action fun and most of the actors were entertaining. I think he was just stuck with an incredibly stupid script. And one horribly obnoxious star.

I don’t know who the fuck James McAvoy is but I hope I never see him in another movie again.

I hated him. I hated his character, I hated his wanna-be Ed Norton in Fight Club performance and I hated his squishy little smirky fucking face. He’s like Shia LaBeouf’s horrible, retarded step-brother who’s somehow (I didn’t think it was possible) even cockier and more obnoxious than he is. Part of it was the script and the way the character was written, I know. But a huge part of it was this dude’s fucking attitude. I hated him.

And, unfortunately, he’s on screen for pretty much the entire movie. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to reach into a movie screen and strangle someone as much as I wanted to with this fucking guy. The only way it could have been worse is if they’d cast Andy Dick.

Aside from that, what really disappoints me me is that it didn’t HAVE to be stupid. That’s the argument I have with a lot of action movies. I had the same problem with Transformers. Awesome action and kickass visual effects don’t have to go hand in hand with stupid ass scripts. It can be done. It is possible to make a large scale, effects driven action movie without sacrificing decent writing and interesting characters.

I don’t know why people keep insisting that when you add action, effects and a budget you have to subtract quality writing, character development and decent storytelling.

But yeah, it was stupid. Really, really stupid. The story made no fucking sense. Rather than using one scene to set up the next and actually building a cohesive story, these writers chose to just have shit happen simply because they wanted to. They opted to just skip the whole logic and structure and justifying the events of the story and the motives of the characters and instead just said “then this happened because it would be sweet”. I started to site specific instances but then went back and erased them because, honestly, the entire movie is like this. NONE of it makes sense. None of it is justified. It’s like playing a particularly stupid video game. I brought up Grand Theft Auto earlier, but that isn’t entirely fair to Grand Theft Auto. At least GTA has a story and interesting characters and even though it’s over the top and nihilistic, they try and justify the characters actions. Not in a moral way, but in the context of the story. You know WHY the characters are sociopathic killers. Not the case in Wanted. The main character goes from being a relatively normal guy to senselessly murdering people without any explanation other than that he’s told he’s good at it.

There’s a scene where the main character is chasing having an elaborate gunfight on a passenger train. Over the course of it, they derail the train off of a bridge, presumably killing all of the innocent passengers on the train. And nobody (least of all the hero) cared. Shit like that. There’s no moral center to this story, or it’s hero. The Angelina Jolie character at least had a little excuse for her actions, but even that felt tacked on. And she wasn’t the main character. The movie didn’t hang on her the way it hangs on the “hero”.

But, in a way, it DID hang on her. It wasn’t supposed to, but it kind of had to. Not because she was an important character, but because she was far more interesting to watch than the dipshit they had as the star. If they’d made the movie entirely about her, it might have been slightly more watchable. Only because Angelina Jolie is fucking badass in it.

In general, I’m kind of torn on Angelina. I’ve never really seen her do anything that would indicate that she’s a great actress. Sure, Gia was good, and she was good in it, but she played a character that was just so damned pretty and troubled and wild. Big stretch. She was good in Girl Interrupted (though I didn’t particularly like the movie) but again, she played a pretty, troubled and wild girl. I didn’t see her in that movie where she played the black chick with the murdered reporter husband or whatever, so I can’t vouch for that one. But one thing is certain, she can kick ass. On screen at least. She’s one of the very few female “action” stars who is completely believable. I honestly can’t think of another actress who I can take seriously as an action star without being too butch or too cute.

And I don’t know if anyone has noticed this or not, so I’m just going to say what I think everyone else is probably thinking… she’s kind of fucking way sexy. Yeah, she’s got weird, boney stick arms, but whatever. I’m okay with that. She could probably stand to put on fifteen or twenty pounds. Not everyone has a perfect body. It happens. Sometimes people are fat, sometimes people are skinny. Whatever. So she’s skinny. Big whoop. She’s also got a rockin’ ass. And spectacular boobies.

I think Angelina Jolie is the woman that all women are afraid of. They should be. Because if Angelina Jolie decided she wanted your man… guess what? She’s gonna have him. That’s just all there is to it. Just ask Jennifer Aniston.

I just wanted to put that on the record, officially.

I’m gonna stop ranting about this movie pretty soon. I’ve just got a couple of small last things to say.

Morgan Freeman will always kickass, no matter what he’s doing.

Even if it’s a shit movie, Morgan Freeman brings awesomeness to the table. No one can deliver the line “Shoot this motherfucker!” (or, as he says it, “Shoo-ot this mothah fuckah!) with quite the authority he can. I believe he may even rival Sam Jackson for best usage of the word “motherfucker” in a movie. Which is saying a lot considering that pretty much every Sam Jackson movie qualifies for that. Join the motherfuckin’ Avengers, Iron Man!

This goes out to the director:

I don’t exactly blame you for this one. Usually I would. I tend to hold directors accountable for the stupid shit that ends up movies. My feeling is that if the script is crap, it’s the director’s job to notice that and make sure it gets fixed. I know I wouldn’t put my name on a pretty movie with a garbage script. But I’m going to give the Night Watch guy some slack. This time. Because he’s Russian. English isn’t his first language. I have to wonder how much was lost in translation. Things like having the character say that his friend is fucking his girlfriend on a table he bought at Ikea (hello again Fight Club) and then show them fucking on a kitchen counter top. Or saying that he has an agronomic keyboard while he types on a regular keyboard. That kind of stuff. The language barrier and such. But, Night Watch guy, I expect you to get this shit sorted out by the time the next movie rolls around. So you get a free pass on this, mostly because the visuals and the action were so awesome. But don’t get comfortable, comrade. That’s all you get.

The writers get no free pass though. They should fucking know better.

Last thing I’m going to say:

This is directed at the writers of this movie, and to all screenwriters everywhere. If you ever want to guarantee that I will never, ever watch another thing you’ve written, have the main character look at the screen and call me (and everyone else watching) a loser and ask me “what the fuck have YOU done lately?”

Yeah, do that. It’ll earn a giant “go fuck yourself, dick” from me to you.

Currently Listening: Genesis - Mama (long version)

That line right there is everything you need to know about The Joker.

New Dark Knight TV spots.

After the cut, so that they don’t go on forever.

Read the rest of this entry »

Check this shit

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/video/2008/jul/03/channel4.television

It’s fucking bananas.

Channel 4 has painstakingly recreated the set of Stanley Kubrick horror film The Shining, complete with look-a-likes of the crew and cast members including Shelley Duvall, for a TV ad to promote a More 4 season of the director’s films.

The 65-second promotional spot has been filmed as a one-take tracking shot through the recreation of The Shining.

Viewers get Kubrick’s point of view as he walks through the set, ending up in his director’s chair as the crew prepare to shoot the famous scene of Danny Torrance, the son of Duvall and Jack Nicholson’s characters, riding round and round the deserted corridors of the Overlook Hotel.

The promo, filmed as a single tracking shot with a cast of 55 actors, was meticulously researched to “remain as faithful as possible to the period in which it was shot and the culture of the British studio in the late 1970s”.

Channel 4 Creative Services, the broadcaster’s in-house creative resource, cast people who resembled Kubrick’s own crew including his script lady, assistant director and director of production, John Alcott, who also worked on films including 2001: A Space Odyssey and A Clockwork Orange with the director.

Look-a-likes were also found for Duvall, Danny Lloyd, who played Danny Torrance, and the twin girls who appear fleetingly in the film.

Most of the equipment that appears in the promotional clip was actually used in the filming of The Shining.

Many of the props that appear, including the tricycle and Kubrick’s script, were produced for the promotional clip based on photos or sketches from the late director’s archives.

The spot, which was shot over two days at London’s Bray Studios, was filmed using a 25mm Cooke lens – a favourite of Kubrick’s.

It promotes the season of 10 Kubrick films to be broadcast on More 4 from July 15.

John Ronson’s documentary, Citizen Kubrick, will air ahead of the start of the first film.

The promotional clip will run across Channel 4 and More 4 in the run up to the start of the season.

Bla bla bla

This one focuses much more on the relationship and parallels between The Joker and Batman. Holy jeeze am I ever excited!

http://www.livescience.com/history/080629-ap-aztec-whistle.html

MEXICO CITY (AP) - Scientists were fascinated by the ghostly find: a human skeleton buried in an Aztec temple with a clay, skull-shaped whistle in each bony hand.

But no one blew into the noisemakers for nearly 15 years. When someone finally did, the shrill, windy screech made the spine tingle.
If death had a sound, this was it.

Roberto Velazquez believes the Aztecs played this mournful wail from the so-called Whistles of Death before they were sacrificed to the gods.
The 66-year-old mechanical engineer has devoted his career to recreating the sounds of his pre-Columbian ancestors, producing hundreds of replicas of whistles, flutes and wind instruments unearthed in Mexico’s ruins.

For years, many archaeologists who uncovered ancient noisemakers dismissed them as toys. Museums relegated them to warehouses. But while most studies and exhibits of ancient cultures focus on how they looked, Velazquez said the noisemakers provide a rare glimpse into how they sounded.

“We’ve been looking at our ancient culture as if they were deaf and mute,” he said. “But I think all of this is tied closely to what they did, how they thought.”

Velazquez is part of a growing field of study that includes archaeologists, musicians and historians. Medical doctors are interested too, believing the Aztecs may have used sound to treat illnesses.

Noisemakers made of clay, turkey feathers, sugar cane, frog skins and other natural materials were an integral part of pre-Columbian life, found at nearly every Mayan site.

The Aztecs sounded the low, foghorn hum of conch shells at the start of ceremonies and possibly during wars to communicate strategies. Hunters likely used animal-shaped ocarinas to produce throaty grunts that lured deer.

The modern-day archaeologists who came up with the term Whistles of Death believe they were meant to help the deceased journey into the underworld, while tribes are said to have emitted terrifying sounds to fend off enemies, much like high-tech crowd-control devices available today.
Experts also believe pre-Columbian tribes used some of the instruments to send the human brain into a dream state and treat certain illnesses. The ancient whistles could guide research into how rhythmic sounds alter heart rates and states of consciousness.

Among Velazquez’s replicas are those that emit a strange cacophony so strong that their frequency nears the maximum range of human hearing.
Chronicles by Spanish priests from the 1500s described the Aztec and Mayan sounds as sad and doleful, although these may have been only what was played in their presence.

“My experience is that at least some pre-Hispanic sounds are more destructive than positive, others are highly trance-evocative,” said Arnd Adje Both, an expert in pre-Hispanic music archaeology who was the first to blow the Whistles of Death found in the Aztec skeleton’s hands. “Surely, sounds were used in all kind of cults, such as sacrificial ones, but also in healing ceremonies.”

Sounds still play an important role in Mexican society. A cow bell announces the arrival of the garbage truck outside Mexico City homes. A trilling, tuneless flute heralds the knife sharpener’s arrival. A whistle emitting cat meows says the lottery ticket seller is here.

But pre-Columbian instruments often end up in a warehouse, Velazquez said, “and I’m talking about museums around the world doing this, not just here.”

That’s changing, said Tomas Barrientos, director of the archaeology department at Del Valle University of Guatemala.
“Ten years ago, nothing was known about this,” he said. “But with the opening up of museum collections and people’s private collections, it’s an area of research that is growing in importance.”

Velazquez meticulously researches each noisemaker before replicating it. He travels across Mexico to examine newly unearthed wind instruments, some dating back to 400 B.C. and shaped like animals or deities. He studies reliefs and scans 500-year-old Spanish chronicles.

But making replicas is only part of the work. Then he has to figure out how to play them. He’ll blow into some holes and plug others, or press the instrument to his lips and flutter his tongue. Sometimes he puts the noisemaker inside his mouth and blows, fluctuating the air from his lungs.
He experimented with one frog-shaped whistle for a year before discovering its inner croak.

Renowned archaeologist Paul Healy, who made an important discovery of Mayan instruments in Belize in the 1980s, said many of the originals still work.

“A couple of these instruments we found were broken, which was great because we could actually see the construction of them, the actual technology of building a sound chamber out of paper-thin clay,” he said.
Still, their exact sounds will likely remain a mystery.

“When you blow into them, you still can get notes from them, so you could figure out what the range was,” Healy said. “But what we don’t have is sheet music to give us a more accurate picture

The first one is the Whistle of Death. The other whistles are just a bunch of stupid birds and frogs and shit. But that Whistle of Death… Jesus Christ, that’s some fucked up shit to play right before you kill someone. If I was going to die, that’s the last goddamned sound I’d want to hear as I left my body.

Ya know, as goofy as this series is, they always manage to pull out pretty sweet posters.

How did this one slip past me?!

I don’t think I can make it another two and a half weeks. I just might die.

Even though I think Keifer is a douche, this movie looks fucking BADASS. I’m 100% pro-Alexandre Aja.

Sacha Baron Cohen As Sherlock Holmes?? Will Ferrell As John Watson?? Apatow Takes On The Big Brain Of Baker Street!! — Ain’t It Cool News: The best in movie, TV, DVD, and comic book news.

Sacha Baron Cohen As Sherlock Holmes?? Will Ferrell As John Watson?? Apatow Takes On The Big Brain Of Baker Street!!
I am – Hercules

The Judd Apatow factory is gearing up a new Sony comedy about Sherlock Holmes scripted by Etan Cohen (“Tropic Thunder”).

The untitled project reteams “Talladega Nights” producer Apatow with stars Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell, who assay Holmes and sidekick Watson, respectively.

(You know what’s a forgotten and hugely underrated Sherlock Holmes comedy? “Without A Clue,” starring Michael Caine as Watson’s idiot puppet. Ben Kingsley plays the genius physician who concocted the detective and it may represent the funniest role he’s ever played.)

Read all of the Wednesday-morning Variety story on the Sony project here.

Sometimes all I need is Tenacious D. That’s all I need.

They’ll fucking lead us, Two Kings…

Like… seriously.

People videos

I don’t know what to think about this. I think it might be good.

As a kid I listened to stand up comedy more than I listened to music. At first it was my parents albums.

For the younger folks out there, albums were big black vinyl disks with microscopic grooves in them that made sound when you dropped a needle into the groove and rotated the disk on a turntable.

There was Bill Cosby is a Very Funny Fellow… Right, and Why is there Air. There was Robin Williams - Reality What a Concept. There was Steve Martin: Comedy isn’t Pretty and Wild and Crazy Guy and Let’s Get Small. There was Richard Pryor with That Nigger’s Crazy and Super Nigger and Here and Now and Live on the Sunset Strip. All of these albums transferred from my parents collection to my own collection via possession is 9/10ths of the law. Then there were cassette tapes and 8-tracks.

For the kids, again, cassettes and 8-tracks were little cartridges with spindles of magnetic tape inside that wound from one side of the cartridge to another over a sensor that deciphered the information on the tape and turned it into sound.

Tapes and albums and 8-tracks looked like this:

Theses tapes and albums were a giant part of my childhood. In a lot of ways they helped sculpt the person I grew into.

But my favorite was always George Carlin. There was Toledo Window Box and Occupation: Foole and Class Clown and On the Road and FM and AM. When I started listening to George Carlin he was still essentially an easy going hippie. At least, he was in these recordings. The newer stuff he was doing was just starting to get a little edgier. A little angrier. But not quite yet. What I was hearing were the insightful musings of a modern philosopher. The hilarious insightful musings of a modern philosopher. He was a story teller, a deep thinker, a casual observer and a poet. Those long hours spent laying on my bed listening to George tell his stories were instrumental in crafting not only my views on comedy, but my perception of life.

Because George didn’t just get up and tell jokes. He didn’t get on stage and tell funny stories like Cosby. He didn’t need plastic bunny ears or spastic impersonations. And even though there was always an element of anger and frustration in his act, there was also usually a positive upswing. The basic message was fuck the conventions of society, but love each other as best you can.

Most importantly though, he questioned thing. He questioned everything. Religion, the government, the media, advertising, rich people, poor people, you, me and himself. He held everyone accountable and stood there tapping his foot, waiting for an explanation for the stupid shit that everyone does but no one had been perceptive (or ballsy) enough to call us on. And when no one could come up with a reasonable explanation, he didn’t leave you standing there feeling stupid. He encouraged you to think along with him. To follow his process and understand his perception, so that even if you didn’t agree with him, you at least understood where he was coming from. And it felt good to be included in that process.

George was clearly a bright guy. A thinker. Someone who could always bring another perspective to the table. And, even when (especially during his later years) it seemed as though he was angry and sometimes downright mean, when taken as a whole, his act was quite a positive one. Here was a guy who could, in the span of an hour, explain why all religion is a scam, designed to control sad and scared people, and then explain that every balloon that ever floated away is in a giant balloon room in heaven, waiting for you when you die. Despite his ranting and seemingly anti-social beliefs, it eventually becomes clear that George was an optimist, and wants to believe the best about people in general. He might have thought that we’re all fucked, but he also wanted us to love and respect each other.

And all of that came through in his act.

George was a little bit of everything, and I think that’s why he was so important. He was a Swiss Army Knife of comedy. Which is why it’s safe to say that any stand up comedian working today owes a debt to Carlin. When a person’s net of influence catches both Richard Pryor and Jerry Seinfeld, you know you’re dealing with someone extremely important.

I’ll be honest with you. I’m having a very hard time writing this post. I can’t seem to encapsulate everything that was great about George Carlin, and everything that he meant to me personally. It’s just too big and his death is too sudden and unexpected. It’s been over a week since he died and I’ve been pecking away at this off and on since the day after.

This is what it comes down to. George Carlin wasn’t just a celebrity. He wasn’t just a famous person whose work I admired. George Carlin was a man I never met personally, but who literally changed me, for the better, with his art. That’s something that I will be eternally grateful for. Something that I desperately wish I could have thanked him for. Luckily for me, and for everyone who knew and loved his work, there is a goldmine of material to remember him by. To remember, to learn from, to pass along to younger generations and say “This was an artist. This was a great man” and know that you’re making the world a better place by continuing to teach the word or George Carlin even when he no longer can. Like all truly great artists, George Carlin now belongs to all of us, and it’s our responsibility to make sure people continue to learn and benefit from him.

I’m sure George would laugh and probably shake his head at my treating him like some sort of messiah, but honestly, George Carlin taught me so much more than Jesus ever did. And because of that, I will always be a disciple of Carlin. George didn’t believe in religion. He worshipped the Sun (and prayed to Joe Pesci, because Joe Pesci was a guy who could “get shit done”) as the source of all life. That’s a beautiful thought. It’s a thought I can easily get behind. I worship the sun as well.

And while I won’t start a religion, (because he would hate that) I have no problem saying that while I worship the sun, I also worship George Carlin. Not as a god, but as a great man. An honest to god great man. He will be missed and loved forever.

Sandra’s weak Canadian blood can’t handle it. I have to admit, I’m finding myself going a little crazy at times as well. Yes I’m from California, and yes it gets quite a bit hotter than this where I grew up, but there are also houses with air conditioning where I grew up. California is hot, but California is also prepared to deal with heat.

This place is not.

All this on top of the fact that there’s something seriously wrong with my left side of my head. My left ear is in constant pain and the left side of my throat feels like I’ve got a raw meat ball lodged in there. One that also happens to be on fire. It’s fucking lame.

Luckily, it just happens that I pretty much don’t work at all this week. So I can stay at home and boil and try and heal my shit. I went to clinic today and got a throat swab. We’ll see what that turns up.

Sandra and I have been rewatching Entourage. Because it’s awesome.

Johnny Drama is quite possibly the most awesome character in TV history.

I want this as a T-Shirt

Marky Mark has a Johnny Drama shirt. I should have one too. I believe in a rule that what’s Marky Mark’s is mine.

Also, this makes me want to replay the Godfather game just so I can make my guy look like Johnny.

Thanks to msspider22 in the disturbing films community (where I posted asking about it) I now know what the movie was I was talking about the other day.

it was The Monster Club. Here’s a youtube clip featuring the part I was talking about. Sometimes people on the internet RULE.